Lovely Lady

My dear Aunt JoAnn passed away last Thursday evening. She was found Tuesday morning by her son, Bryan. She had had a heart attack, and had passed away quickly.

This week has been exceptionly trying for my mom. My heart breaks for her, because if my sister died, it would be devastating.

At the "visitation" (which is what they had instead of a wake) and her funeral, they showed a slide show of pictures from her life... and she was fucking fabulous.
These aren't very good pictures of her, but do you see that freaking beehive!

She had great taste, and was very very creative.

Her death was really sudden, and everybody is extremely saddened by her death. We are all going to miss her presence in our lives.

Anxious

Ego, from the Marvel Universe

Today I am reminding myself that my anxiety stems from my ego's sense of loss of control. It doesn't realize that it has no real control over anything. This is helping ease my tension over a number of stressors that I am experiencing today, mainly my car falling apart at the seams.

I love my car. I love it so much. I haven't taken as good of care of it as it has taken of me, and now it is falling apart. The other day Dustin accidently ran it into a curb, really really hard, and broke one of my new rims, and a tire. I am still in the process of forgiving him for this. He replaced both the tire and the rim, but the darn thing is pulling to the right about 30 degrees, which I hope just means that it needs a realinement. Also, the door hing on the passenger side is shot, and refused to latch this morning as I was getting out at school. I told Dustin that he would have to deal with it, since I was getting later for class. I still am not sure what happened to it. I really want to fix it, but sadly that would require money, that we do not have currently.

Dustin's family issues are escalating again, and he is in kind of a bad place right now. My heart is breaking for him, as he watches his parents grow apart. We have sort of avoided the whole situation, and it seemed like it was getting better and easier, so we have been trying to reconnect, but it is hard since everything is still in limbo. The whole thing is really hard on him.

So, I don't really have any control over anything. I don't have control of my car or Dustin's family situation, or any of the other problems we might run into. I am reminding myself to acknowledge and witness my fear of not having control over anything, without judging myself for having the feelings that I am experiencing, so that I can transform my fear into love, which I have learned is the opposite of fear.

Or something spiritual like that : ).

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I've notice that I've passed through a couple phases in the past few months. Particularly, having a baby. For a while, I really wanted one. I go through this every couple years or so. This summer, as I was adjusting to the fact that my sister wasn't within close reach, I really really wanted a sweet little baby to ease my discomfort. I still experience a little bit of euphoria when I think about how a sweet smelling little newborn baby would feel in my arms. However, Dustin and I are in real and true poverty. We are on our way to a good lifestyle, suitable for raising a child. I realize that there are many thing that I still want to experience before I have to dedicate myself the the raising of a child. Still, there is this nagging maternal instinct, that make me want to be pregnant, and makes me want to have a sweet little baby.
I don't fucking know what I'm going to be when I grow up, though. I'm not even close to being mature enough to have a baby. It sucks, but is good that I'm not just jumping in to mommyhood. Still though, I've started taking Flinstones, and started avoiding plastics. Mommyhood is upon me, but not quite yet.
I've had some bad dreams, though. I had this dream twice in a row. I'm making eggs, and I go for the eggs in our fridge. I open the box, and the eggs, look like they're cracked and black. I pick out the least bad looking egg, crack it open into the skillet, and the yolk is black.
This dream could refer to the fact that I'm paranoid about losing my fertility early, since my mom went through menopause when she was forty. Her mom and my dad's mom were both having each of them when they were forty. What if I fucking lost my ability to lose children by the time I'm forty. It's a fucked up thing to worried about. I want to have children. I want to be a mommy.
I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to do. I'm to busy getting fucked up to be a grown up, or a mommy, or whatever. Maybe when I quite getting drunk every night, I'll be allowed to have a baby. Or maybe when I graduate. Whatever. My womb is a desert anyways.

Kindof really fucked up...

So, this has been an awesome weekend. Blink 182, Weezer, and Okstate have made this weekend really great. I'm back on Releana, and i'm on my last loading day, which means i'm getting totally wasted on the rest of our liquor, which also means i'm blogging.

It's been such a great weekend, and it's only half over. I've lost a pound, without trying, and I'm drunk. It's a win win weekend.

Pobre OU, lost to BYU. Its their own fault for going into the season so cocky. Sam Bradford is injured..maybe he should have just entered the NFL, and made a million dollars. Ooops.

Woohoo, it our tiiiiimmmmee to sshhiiinneee. dooodooooodooodoo. Titan AE theme song pops in my head.

I love OSU. Despite a lifetime of making fun of school pride, I am full of it. I love the school i go to, and i think that we going to do great this year.!!!

On a different note, we will hopefully be attending the "Deathklok" concert in Tulsa. It will be pretty Metal. Yeah, whooo...

Great semester so far, nothing much but my own nerosis to deal with...woooooooo

Give Us This Day Our Daily Red Bull

Seriously. It's better than Smack.

New Painting

I just finished my first real painting in like four years.

It's called "Silver Lining".

Will post soon.

We're All Magical...

This is a Narwhal. It is a real creature, which is awesome.