Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I've notice that I've passed through a couple phases in the past few months. Particularly, having a baby. For a while, I really wanted one. I go through this every couple years or so. This summer, as I was adjusting to the fact that my sister wasn't within close reach, I really really wanted a sweet little baby to ease my discomfort. I still experience a little bit of euphoria when I think about how a sweet smelling little newborn baby would feel in my arms. However, Dustin and I are in real and true poverty. We are on our way to a good lifestyle, suitable for raising a child. I realize that there are many thing that I still want to experience before I have to dedicate myself the the raising of a child. Still, there is this nagging maternal instinct, that make me want to be pregnant, and makes me want to have a sweet little baby.
I don't fucking know what I'm going to be when I grow up, though. I'm not even close to being mature enough to have a baby. It sucks, but is good that I'm not just jumping in to mommyhood. Still though, I've started taking Flinstones, and started avoiding plastics. Mommyhood is upon me, but not quite yet.
I've had some bad dreams, though. I had this dream twice in a row. I'm making eggs, and I go for the eggs in our fridge. I open the box, and the eggs, look like they're cracked and black. I pick out the least bad looking egg, crack it open into the skillet, and the yolk is black.
This dream could refer to the fact that I'm paranoid about losing my fertility early, since my mom went through menopause when she was forty. Her mom and my dad's mom were both having each of them when they were forty. What if I fucking lost my ability to lose children by the time I'm forty. It's a fucked up thing to worried about. I want to have children. I want to be a mommy.
I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to do. I'm to busy getting fucked up to be a grown up, or a mommy, or whatever. Maybe when I quite getting drunk every night, I'll be allowed to have a baby. Or maybe when I graduate. Whatever. My womb is a desert anyways.