Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Ego, from the Marvel Universe

Today I am reminding myself that my anxiety stems from my ego's sense of loss of control. It doesn't realize that it has no real control over anything. This is helping ease my tension over a number of stressors that I am experiencing today, mainly my car falling apart at the seams.

I love my car. I love it so much. I haven't taken as good of care of it as it has taken of me, and now it is falling apart. The other day Dustin accidently ran it into a curb, really really hard, and broke one of my new rims, and a tire. I am still in the process of forgiving him for this. He replaced both the tire and the rim, but the darn thing is pulling to the right about 30 degrees, which I hope just means that it needs a realinement. Also, the door hing on the passenger side is shot, and refused to latch this morning as I was getting out at school. I told Dustin that he would have to deal with it, since I was getting later for class. I still am not sure what happened to it. I really want to fix it, but sadly that would require money, that we do not have currently.

Dustin's family issues are escalating again, and he is in kind of a bad place right now. My heart is breaking for him, as he watches his parents grow apart. We have sort of avoided the whole situation, and it seemed like it was getting better and easier, so we have been trying to reconnect, but it is hard since everything is still in limbo. The whole thing is really hard on him.

So, I don't really have any control over anything. I don't have control of my car or Dustin's family situation, or any of the other problems we might run into. I am reminding myself to acknowledge and witness my fear of not having control over anything, without judging myself for having the feelings that I am experiencing, so that I can transform my fear into love, which I have learned is the opposite of fear.

Or something spiritual like that : ).

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I've notice that I've passed through a couple phases in the past few months. Particularly, having a baby. For a while, I really wanted one. I go through this every couple years or so. This summer, as I was adjusting to the fact that my sister wasn't within close reach, I really really wanted a sweet little baby to ease my discomfort. I still experience a little bit of euphoria when I think about how a sweet smelling little newborn baby would feel in my arms. However, Dustin and I are in real and true poverty. We are on our way to a good lifestyle, suitable for raising a child. I realize that there are many thing that I still want to experience before I have to dedicate myself the the raising of a child. Still, there is this nagging maternal instinct, that make me want to be pregnant, and makes me want to have a sweet little baby.
I don't fucking know what I'm going to be when I grow up, though. I'm not even close to being mature enough to have a baby. It sucks, but is good that I'm not just jumping in to mommyhood. Still though, I've started taking Flinstones, and started avoiding plastics. Mommyhood is upon me, but not quite yet.
I've had some bad dreams, though. I had this dream twice in a row. I'm making eggs, and I go for the eggs in our fridge. I open the box, and the eggs, look like they're cracked and black. I pick out the least bad looking egg, crack it open into the skillet, and the yolk is black.
This dream could refer to the fact that I'm paranoid about losing my fertility early, since my mom went through menopause when she was forty. Her mom and my dad's mom were both having each of them when they were forty. What if I fucking lost my ability to lose children by the time I'm forty. It's a fucked up thing to worried about. I want to have children. I want to be a mommy.
I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to do. I'm to busy getting fucked up to be a grown up, or a mommy, or whatever. Maybe when I quite getting drunk every night, I'll be allowed to have a baby. Or maybe when I graduate. Whatever. My womb is a desert anyways.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Kindof really fucked up...

So, this has been an awesome weekend. Blink 182, Weezer, and Okstate have made this weekend really great. I'm back on Releana, and i'm on my last loading day, which means i'm getting totally wasted on the rest of our liquor, which also means i'm blogging.

It's been such a great weekend, and it's only half over. I've lost a pound, without trying, and I'm drunk. It's a win win weekend.

Pobre OU, lost to BYU. Its their own fault for going into the season so cocky. Sam Bradford is injured..maybe he should have just entered the NFL, and made a million dollars. Ooops.

Woohoo, it our tiiiiimmmmee to sshhiiinneee. dooodooooodooodoo. Titan AE theme song pops in my head.

I love OSU. Despite a lifetime of making fun of school pride, I am full of it. I love the school i go to, and i think that we going to do great this year.!!!

On a different note, we will hopefully be attending the "Deathklok" concert in Tulsa. It will be pretty Metal. Yeah, whooo...

Great semester so far, nothing much but my own nerosis to deal with...woooooooo

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Red Bull

Seriously. It's better than Smack.

Monday, August 24, 2009

New Painting

I just finished my first real painting in like four years.

It's called "Silver Lining".

Will post soon.

We're All Magical...

This is a Narwhal. It is a real creature, which is awesome.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

This is How I Feel Most Days

Friday, July 10, 2009

...and it all comes down

my reality is crumbling. its sad, but new.


a paradigm shift. it hurts. change hurts.



Sunday, May 31, 2009

I QUIT!!!!

That's right, I'm unemployed. Which is awesome, while we still have money.

While we're not entirely unemployed, we both are working for our parents, I feel infinitely liberated. I was so so depressed working nights and being bossed around by that stupid fat bitch, Tiffany. I may be liberated, but I'm still bitter. I swear to god, if I ever see her hideous blue PT Cruiser I'm going to smear roadkill on it.

I'm still healing.

Anyways, so we've basically budgeted for the rest of the summer. Because Dustin's mom has agreed to defer our house payment while Dustin is in school, the rent on our other house will make most of our bills. We will probably try to get a work study during the school year, which will work better with our school schedule than trying to go to class after being awake all night. For now we've been living off of money that we saved this semester.

I feel so so so much better. I can't even describe how happy I am that I don't have to go in that place at eleven o'clock at night every night. I do miss our regulars though, Verlin, Mr. Broom, and Johnny the Super Trucker. : (. There are people that I do not miss however, such as Adam, who would come in and talk to us for an eternity about his awkward interactions with women.

There were good part of the job, but there was always an overwhelming bad feeling in that place.

Thank god it's over.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Schools Out For Summer

Seriously guys, what is all this yellow fluffy stuff about?

Yay! So shit's rapidly improved since school's been out. We've got the electrical problem figured out, although it has not been fixed yet, raaa. Work still sucks, and we're still waiting to find out "what happens in June" duh duh duuuuuh. I'm not sure if I told that story in it's entirety yet, so here goes: One very bad night, in the middle of the shit storm that was the month of April, T-bone hands me and Dustin this stack of papers and asks us to sign the top sheet. So first of all, the rebellious teenager little shit in my head is like, heck no, I'm not signing shit. And then I look through them, and it's a stack of tardy reports from like the last three months that she's just now getting us to sign. Now, we have physical proof that she shred's our time cards, which I'm not even sure that she is supposed to do, so basically they are S-O-L as far as proof of our tardiness goes. So we tell her that we've got to talk to our lawyer before we sign anything. The look on her face when we said that was FREAKING PRICELESS. It was something like total defeat with a hint of befuddlement and a touch of frustration. So, apparently just saying the magic word "lawyer" was enough to totally freak her and the Head Cheese out, because the next day we hear that he called his ACCOUNTANT (ha) and asked him if we had any recourse, to which he said no, of course. What is so stupid, and hilarious, is that we were just covering our own asses. We had no intention to sue him for anything..well at least not for the whole tardiness issue, and just mentioning the word "lawyer" totally freaked him out. Something important to note, by the way, is that this guy is totally freakin' screwed anyways, because he owes more money on this place than he is ever going to be able to make payments on, and unless some shit head bails him out, which is apparently what usually happens, some Big Oil Guy in Weatherford is going to own his ass. So, anyways, apparently T-potamus was pissed that day and was telling everyone how "just we wait till June". This, by the way, all happened about two weeks before we put in a time off request for two weeks in June for our Alaska thing with my fam, so that complicates the situation even further.

So, apparently, shit's gonna change in June. And by change, I mean not a damn thing is going to change. That is, unless the bitch doesn't give us our time off, in which case we will probably have to quit. Honestly, I am hoping that we can stick it out until at least the end of summer, because we are trying to save money so that we don't have to work in the school year, but if we had to quit we would probably be ok... and by that I mean that I hope that we would be ok.

Anyways, besides the potential financial crisis, I am really looking forward to going to Alaska, except for the part where my mom is freaking out because she doesn't want us drinking on the trip, which kind of blows. I can't even remember the last time I went two weeks without drinking ... hmmm... so this should be interesting. I guess I'll have to go with the trusty old stand-by, late night pizza, to suppress my anxiety from having to deal with my m for two weeks. Yay for avoidance behaviors! Hope I don't come back in a straight jacket.

Also, in other work news, our friend Lauretta quit, which blows, because our alliance is down to two, me and dustin. And also because we don't have anyone to hang out with us at work, that is unless we get a visit from our friend the Beejinator : ). Seriously, we appreciate it when anybody comes and sees us at work, so when Lauretta and Beej stayed until like five in the morning the other day, we could have been more grateful. That was an awesome night. As was the night that my sister, logan and dan stayed with us until four. An equally awesome night. The only thing that I love more than sticking it to the man, is sticking it to the man, and hanging out with people that I care about. It make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that people care enough about us that they would sacrifice sleeping to hang out in a shitty gas station on the highway all night. I love you guys : ).

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Laundry list

So, a lot of bad things have happened this month, so maybe if I write them down, they won't seem so bad, and I can get them out of my head.

Dustin family has an elephant in the room, that is putting a ton of stress on him, and which no one is brave enough to address.
His Pop's died.
He got a flat tire in Guthrie when he was working and I had to go rescue him.
Had a Financial Accounting test which I probably failed.
Our circuit breakers wigged out, so we lost a fridge FULL of new food, our TV isn't working, I can't blow dry my hair, our internet is on the fritz, we basically can't run anything that draws more electricity than a light bulb, we can't cook anything, we don't have air conditioning: ITS MADDENING!
Had to go to Pop's funeral.
Had my part of my Community Group project due Sunday.
Did I mention that our job tried to get us to sign off on these late slips from up to the beginning of the year. We said we were going to show them to our lawyer, and we haven't heard anything since then. Our friend L let T know that she wasn't going to sign them, and showed her the agreement that proves why we don't have to. I'm pretty sure I saw my manager shredding them. HA. Kiss my ass, I'm not signing shit. It sucks when your employee's are smarter than you.
We're going on a cruise to Alaska in June for two weeks. T is going to lose her shit when she finds out. We may not be working there after that, who knows. They really don't have anything on us, and other people have been able to take off work, so they really don't have any basis for firing us for taking off. Not that I particularly like this job anyways. We're probably going to start working half time next semester, so that I can focus more on school. That will be such a relief.
I'm ready for school to be out. I'm ready to be done with all this.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

So I'm Going to be Doing Something Different

I've been doing little illustrations, so, until they run out, or I get bored, I'm going to start posting them one or two at a time.

This is one of my favorites. It's a Narwhal. He's Magical.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Hey Guys, I'm a Narcissist

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I want to be a snail....

... so I can hide inside myself.

Feeling antisocial today.

Monday, March 31 2009

Currently, it is 3:00 AM. I am watching South Park, making "ckick'n" and rice, and drinking J. Roget champagne, and wasted. It is worth saying that probably 50% of my blogging has been while I was drinking. I am so ready for school to be out, I could scream. I have no idea what to do with my life. THERE. I said it. And I am stuck in a go-nowhere job. I am going crazy.

The only thing that is keeping me sane is the fact that I get to work with my wonderful husband, and my job is easy. albeit very stressful at times. Which is where alcohol comes in.

The only consolation prize is that if I work hard, stick it out in this miserable job, with these miserable fucking people, and do everything according to the plan I have laid out in my plan in my mind, I will be able to do what I want in about a year. I can't wait.

What exactly is success anyways. What do normal people do. Watch TV. At night. After work. I don't want that. Exactly. Boring. More South Park. Fucking Internet.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Food Jags

I am currently on a food jag. It happens every once and a while. Right now all I want are fried egg sandwiches. Before that it was Oriental Ramen noodles, before that breakfast burritos, before that fajitas. I know it drives Dustin crazy, because he doesn't really cook, and thus is also on a food jag.

Too many carbs though. That and too much alcohol are giving me candida problems I think. Not good.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Life Happens

I am soooo busy right now, that I am finding it really really hard to implement the change I want. I feel like I'm trying to focus on a million different things at once, and it's not working. The stuff I've been reading says to focus on one goal at a time, but I'm finding that exceedingly difficult, as I have so many that I have to focus my attention on that I can't focus on any of my goals.

Basically, I can't change anything because I have no time, and the little free time I have, I spend drunk just so I don't have to think about all the shit that I haven't had time to do.

I'm going crazy.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Juice Feasting Update

Ok, so Juice Feasting is hard. Like really hard. Like really really really hard.

In December, Dustin and I made it 14 days before our anniversary, and then we took 3 weeks off for weddings and Christmas, and a small vacation we went on. Right now we are on day 6, and we just got done watching our friends eat IHOP. I hated them. I wanted everything on that damn menu. Dustin had to take the menu out of my hands so that I wouldn't beg to order anything.

I'm weak. Worse than that, I'm an enabler in the worst way.

Everybody's weak sometimes. I just have to remind myself that my future self needs me not to eat IHOP, or make pizza. I need me to just drink my juice, and the weight will take care of itself.

I've never been skinny. I have no concept of what skinny means in terms of my own body. I just want to see what I look like underneath it all.

So ya, well thats it for now.