Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Ego, from the Marvel Universe

Today I am reminding myself that my anxiety stems from my ego's sense of loss of control. It doesn't realize that it has no real control over anything. This is helping ease my tension over a number of stressors that I am experiencing today, mainly my car falling apart at the seams.

I love my car. I love it so much. I haven't taken as good of care of it as it has taken of me, and now it is falling apart. The other day Dustin accidently ran it into a curb, really really hard, and broke one of my new rims, and a tire. I am still in the process of forgiving him for this. He replaced both the tire and the rim, but the darn thing is pulling to the right about 30 degrees, which I hope just means that it needs a realinement. Also, the door hing on the passenger side is shot, and refused to latch this morning as I was getting out at school. I told Dustin that he would have to deal with it, since I was getting later for class. I still am not sure what happened to it. I really want to fix it, but sadly that would require money, that we do not have currently.

Dustin's family issues are escalating again, and he is in kind of a bad place right now. My heart is breaking for him, as he watches his parents grow apart. We have sort of avoided the whole situation, and it seemed like it was getting better and easier, so we have been trying to reconnect, but it is hard since everything is still in limbo. The whole thing is really hard on him.

So, I don't really have any control over anything. I don't have control of my car or Dustin's family situation, or any of the other problems we might run into. I am reminding myself to acknowledge and witness my fear of not having control over anything, without judging myself for having the feelings that I am experiencing, so that I can transform my fear into love, which I have learned is the opposite of fear.

Or something spiritual like that : ).